Ask a Devil Hunter
by Superior Firepower
Summary: Questions about DMC 1-3 are sent in and Dante, with the help of Vergil, answers them in humorous and original ways. Reader fed. Minor VxD in humorous ways.
1. Chapter 1

_Ask a Devil Hunter…_

A/N: From too much exposure to "Ask a Ninja"….

Where questions from the public are answered by Dante (and sometimes Vergil, with the occasional cameo appearance by Lady, Trish and Lucia) in humorous and entertaining ways. This means that you (yes, we mean _you_…we're watching you…) get to send in those questions you always wanted to ask the pixilated characters of DMC (1-3). Our favorites will be included in the series and we'll send you a PM to let you know, if you haven't already put it on your alerts list…

So PM us, email us at the address on the profile, or simply put your question in a review. -.-

Let the chaos ensue……

* * *

_An Introduction?_

"…and that's why you should be my cameraman."

"Dante, you just spent an hour explaining why I was the only person able to do this for you when you could have just asked plainly. I would have said yes."

"…Really? You mean you'll do it? Verge, you're the best! I'll go get it set up!"

Vergil watched as his twin raced out of the office (Dante called it his "lair") to pursue his latest crazy scheme—making a video series to be posted on the internet. He still wasn't sure about what the videos were about—all he'd gotten from Dante's longwinded explanation had been that it was going to be "awesome"—and he wasn't entirely sure he _wanted_ to know.

With a sigh, he turned back to the computer and jiggled the mouse. As soon as the screensaver disappeared, he shut down the programs he'd been working on. Knowing Dante, he'd want to get right on it and it was best to not have anything running that might get completely deleted by his younger twin.

Dante hurried back in, calling "Bring up the email, will ya?" Vergil complied, and soon Dante was logged in and checking his email. "Ah sweet, I already got some questions! Lemme print 'em…" As the printer warmed up and began spitting out the pages, the younger twin bounded over to the jukebox. "Gotta have some beginning music…" he mumbled.

Vergil watched his brother's antics while setting up the camera to face the wall that Dante had chosen to use as a backdrop, half of him feeling amused and the other half slightly disturbed. He glanced over at the computer and noticed that the address was raised an eyebrow and started to open his mouth to ask before thinking better of it. Again, with the way Dante acted about his obsessions, it was usually better to not ask him about anything, as he tended to expand on the subject indefinitely and Vergil had a vested interest in keeping his brain cells in good health.

He looked up again to see Dante struggling with the old jukebox in the corner. Feeling the corner of his mouth twitch upwards, he picked up the camera and pressed the record button.

"Work! Work, damn you!" Dante growled at the antique before, as always, resorting to hitting it. Several loud clangs later, he grinned in triumph as music began to pound out of the beleaguered speakers. Turning on his heel, he returned to the backdrop, snagging one of the kitchen stools as he passed. Spinning the stool around, he sat on it and grinned at the camera and Vergil, who had turned slowly to follow his brother's movements.

"Okay! Now we're ready! Let 'er rip, Verge!" he exclaimed, still grinning that slightly insane grin that Vergil had become so familiar with over the past months.

Vergil finally smiled, the barest twitch upwards of his lips. "The camera's been on for the past five minutes, dork."

Dante's smile slipped slightly as he realized what Vergil was saying, but he recovered quickly. "Oh, okay, then. On with the show!"

He picked up one of the sheets and began to read out loud. "This is from Bryan H. of Washington. 'Whose sword is bigger? Yours or Vergil's?'" He set down the paper. "Good question, Bryan. But see, it's not always size that counts, though Rebellion could beat Yamato hands down in a fair fight. While mine is wider and technically bigger, Vergil's is actually longer." He stared off into space moment, a strange expression on his face before he shook his head, blushed slightly and stared down at the next question. "Uh...okay then. Here we have…'Sparda is a Dark Knight. Is Sparda Batman?' from James C. of Kentucky."

Dante blinked at the paper in confusion. "I don't get it... I was a Spiderman and X-men fan as a kid. Vergil's the one who liked Batman." He stared at the space behind the camera where Vergil stood. "Vergil?"

The older twin sighed and said "Batman is called the Dark Knight. Sparda is the Legendary Dark Knight."

"Oh." Dante blinked again. "Okay. Um, no. At least, I don't think so….I don't think Dad would ever wear tights…."

There was an awkward silence for a moment as both men tried to clear the horrible mental image from their heads, and Dante cleared his throat before picking up the other piece of paper.

"Question from 'Anonymous' in Kazakhstan. 'Do you two have any Purple Hats?'"

"What the hell kinda question is this? When do I EVER wear a hat? I don't get this one either… What are they feeding kids these days, crack? I mean, what the fuck?"

Vergil couldn't give him an answer, and only shrugged.

"Then no, no we don't. Unless this is code. And even then probably not. 'Cause I dunno. Anyway. See you next time, peoples, and remember! Always pillage BEFORE you burn!" Dante finished with a wide grin.

Vergil dutifully shut the camera and set in on the desk to be hooked into the computer. Dante came up behind him and wrapped his arms around his brothers waist.

"Thanks, that helped. As soon as we get some more questions, we can do another episode."

Although Vergil couldn't see the younger twin's face, the smile was apparent from his voice.

"Are you sure you want to do another one? The questions were…."

"Questionable?"

Vergil turned to look at his brothers grinning face. "Well, yes."

"Yeah, well…It was still fun. So." Dante unhooked his arms from around the older Sparda twin and patted him on the shoulder instead. "Gonna upload it for me? Thanks. There's a new game upstairs with my name on it."

With that, he started to move towards the stairs.

Vergil's eye twitched slightly. "Wait a minute…"

"Don't worry, I'll make it up to you later."

And Dante was up the stairs.

He sighed and sat in the computer chair. He might as well…..Besides, he wanted to put that bit with the jukebox on the YouTube© account that Dante didn't know about. Lady would enjoy watching it.

* * *

_End Introduction. Type thingy. Slash First Episode. McBobber. Thing. Yeah. Shutting Up Now. Don't eat sugar before bed, kids. It rots your mind as well as your teeth and makes you write apeshit things like this. Hope to hear from you guys, anyway, though. That is, we'd **better** hear from you..._

_Um, I just realized we hadn't put anything like a warning, but it should be understood by this time that we pretty much are doing yaoi with these guys, at least on this account. That, and beware of anything we come up with; this is the tip of the iceberg..._

_Argh...I hate forgetting things...Bryan H. from Washington is a real person, but the guy from Kentucky and the anonymous person from Kazakhstan are not, unless there is actually someone named James C. in Kentucky...so we pretty much own them. Any question that comes from reviewers will be redited in the actual story in later episodes, though. Okay, **now** we're done..._


	2. Chapter 2

_Ask a Devil Hunter…_

_A/N: So…We're back for another chapter. We got 7 reviews in 24 hours. That's gotta be some kinda record for us. D_

_Go Us!_

_Anyway, thanks for the positive responses. A few things to clear stuff up, though. Nero and the like won't be in here. The POC needs to get a PS3 and play # 4(As the POC is the one of the two that actually is a gamer…Haliaetus has only played about 20 minutes of DMC3, whereas the POC has spent a good portion of her life glued to the screen killing things...) before we can include Nero in anything. So it might be a while...…_

_There will be hints of VxD. Sorry. But how can we write and NOT do that? It's ingrained in our subconscious. Gomen. See our profile for a further explanation…_

_Anyway, thanks for the good response and loads of questions! _

* * *

Episode Two

Dante grinned into the camera Vergil was holding. "Hey everyone," he said, waving from where he sat on a stool in the middle of the Devil May Cry. He then turned his gaze down to continue looking through the printouts of the emails.

"Thanks for all the questions, guys." He had finally gotten them in order, and was motioning at Vergil. "And quite a few of them involve my dear brother so if he would set the camera on the tripod and get his ass over here…"

There was a sigh, and the camera jiggled a little before a figure in blue strode around to sit in a chair placed conveniently next to the stool. "If I must," was all he said.

"All right, we'll get started then," Dante said happily, and began to read the first question. "This is from Hao Is Hot. 'Where do you keep all your devil arms?' Well, Hao, I keep them in my storage closet of course."

"Thing's an armory," Vergil muttered under his breath, staring at some spot on the wall.

The younger twin only smiled. "Yep. See, I keep most of my normal type weapons on my walls or just scattered around the office, as well as any of the arms I'm going to be using. I mean, Rebellion and Ebony & Ivory are always out here. I have to keep the devil arms under lock and key in my secret storage room I had built, though, just to keep them safe."

"And to get them to shut the hell up," Vergil added. The spot on the wall was starting to smoke.

"That, too. They're so goddam noisy. Especially Agni and Rudra." Dante frowned briefly before looking back down at the paper. "And you have the second question. 'Vergil, say he was forced to go on a date with a girl he didn't like and he asked you to pretend to be him to get him out of it, would you do it?'"

Vergil was silent a moment as he continued to stare at the smoking wall, but eventually he shifted his gaze to the camera and delivered his answer deadpan. "I assume by 'he' that you mean Dante. Well, it would depend. If she's harmless, I would probably follow him around simply to record it so I can laugh at him about it later. And for blackmail uses. If she was a possible threat, then he would not be going. Period."

He took a moment to consider what he'd said before adding, "However, if he made up for it significantly, there is a very slight possibility I could go along with the former. Next question."

Dante had to move his jaw to get it working again. The whole time he'd been staring at his brother with a strange look on his face. "You…."

"Next question," Vergil repeated in a firm tone.

"Uh...right." The younger twin shuffled the papers and read, "This one's from Kokiiru-kun. Another one for you, Verge. Aren't you the popular guy now?"

"Just read it, idiot."

"Okay, keep your hat on, mister grumpy pants. 'Vergil, what type of hair gel do you use? There's no WAY it stays like that on its own.' That's actually a good question. So, Vergil. Whaddaya use?" Dante turned an expectant expression on his brother.

Vergil's face was a study of blankness. "Trade secret. Sorry."

Dante pouted. "Awwww, c'mon. They wanna know."

Vergil was purposely not looking at his brother. "And I have a right to my privacy. You can't make me answer a question I don't want to."

Dante shrugged, then eyed the distance between them, a slow smile spreading across his face. Vergil caught the expression and started to frown. "Dante…?"

Acting quickly, Dante leapt off of the stool to latch onto Vergil, burying his nose in the other's hair. As quickly as it had happened, he let go and resumed his former position on the stool, leaving Vergil looking disturbed and shocked.

"Well, he won't tell what type, but I can tell you that it smells like ocean breeze." Blinking, he turned to regard Vergil appraisingly. "Do you really like ocean breeze that much?"

Recovering from his earlier shock, the elder sniffed primly, acting deliberately nonchalant. "Not for itself, no, but the only other scent was mango and I was _not_ going to get a gel that smelled like tropical fruit."

"All right, ladies and gents, we have established that not only does Vergil _buy_ his hair gel, it only comes in two scents, ocean breeze and mango. I'm sure that's plenty to figure out the brand, hmm?"

"I—huh?" Vergil tried to ask, looking bewildered at how Dante had managed to get that much information out of him.

"Exactly," Dante answered. "Well, now that we've gotten that established…Next!"

He messed with the paper for a moment before reading off the next question.

"'Vergil, Are you jealous of Lady (for being so close to Dante)?' again from Kokiiru-kun," he read off, looking up at Vergil expectantly.

Vergil didn't take any time to think. "Of course not. We're good friends and we've come to an…understanding…regarding my brother." The leer he cast in Dante's direction made it rather clear as to what the "understanding" was about.

Blushing, Dante dropped his eyes back to the paper, eyes searching for the next question. "Wow, Kokiiru-kun must have been curious. Here's another one, for me this time. 'What is it with your obsession with leather? Can you actually wear anything under there?'"

Handing the sheet off to Vergil, who ran his eyes down the list, he pulled a flap of his trench coat around to peer under it. "Actually, Kokiiru-kun," he replied absently, "I like leather for a couple of reasons. One, I look sexy in it, just ask anyone who's met me. Two…well, it just helps the overall image you know? Besides looking sexy, of course. Badass and sexy is a good mix." He ignored Vergil's suppressed laughter-turned-cough.

Letting the piece of leather fall back into place, he grinned. "Besides, although it looks tight, I can fit all manner of things under my trench coat. The pants have specially designed pockets to hold the maximum of ammo and vital stars and such. A backpack would only slow me down, plus look downright dorky, so I kind of need the extra space."

"What about the coat, Dante?" Vergil prompted, having triumphed over his "coughing."

"Huh? Oh, right. Well, you already know, since you have to go through it all whenever you do laundry, but we should probably enlighten our audience, no?"

Suddenly alarmed, Vergil hastened to stop his brother from taking off the long, red trenchcoat. "No, no, no. I meant, why don't you just show them the inside, without taking it off."

Pouting, Dante sighed and acquiesced. "Alright." Holding one side of the coat open, he looked down proudly at the collection of soda, beer, pizza boxes, magazines, movies, cds and quite a bit of trash, since it had been about a week since Vergil had done laundry last.

"This is just the normal stuff," Dante explained. "I sometimes carry around a couple of pints of ice cream, but not often, since the cooler makes it just a bit awkward."

"Just a little," the older twin put in sarcastically.

"_Anyway_. Moving on. From K.L.B in Rhode Island. 'Hey Dante. What Devil's Arm is the strongest? And why do you and your brother ALWAYS wear leather? Must get awfully hot while you're fighting. Ok, now for a dare... cause I can... I dare you to try and drink something upside down.'"

He smirked. "Like I said. Sexy, badass, and useful. Leather's amazing. Mmmm.."

Vergil rolled his eyes. "You certainly have a leather fetish."

Dante huffed indignantly. "Yeah? Well, so do you. And so does Trish. A lotta people do, for your information."

The older twin held out his palms in a defensive gesture. "All right, all right. Get on with it."

"Okay. What Devil Arm is the strongest? Uh…Really, I don't know. I guess it's all according to personal style and mood. Like, Nevan if I wanna rock out and just have fun. Something more like Alastor or Cerebrus if I just wanna get down to business. And Ifrit and Beowulf are good if I wanna take it slow ad steady. Agni & Rudra are fun to play with too. And...Hell, they're all good." Dante shrugged one shoulder. "Just depends, really. They're so much fun to play with. But I have to keep them locked up in that storage closet when I'm not using them. Do have any idea how awkward it is for your weaponry to walk in on you when you're…….Never mind." He stared at the floor, blushing.

Vergil stared at him for a moment, smirking slightly, before he elbowed him in the ribs. "The Dare."

Dante jumped up, eager to get away from the memory. "Yes! Okay!" He pulled a can of beer out from inside his coat, handed it to his twin, and promptly did a handstand. "Okay, give it to me, Verge."

He only grinned lecherously. "Give it to you?"

"You know what I mean. Hurry up."

Vergil shrugged, popped the tab, and held it to Dante's upside down mouth.

Dante, to his credit, attempted to suck it in and swallow some of the alcohol, but it ended up fizzling out of his mouth.

"Dammit!" He got down from the handstand, thought for a moment, and walked offscreen.

The older twin looked at the camera and shrugged. He sat in the chair to wait, and after a few noises from elsewhere in the DMC, Dante came back into view, smiling triumphantly. "I got it." Proudly, he held up a funnel. "I've never backed down from a dare before, and I'm damn sure not gonna now!"

Vergil stared at the plastic as it was handed to him, then at Dante who was now getting into another handstand. Sighing at his brother's idiocy, he dutifully put the plastic funnel in Dante's mouth and poured in the beer.

Dante coughed a little and started to get red in the face, but nonetheless drank some of the beer down. He fell back to lay down, catching his breath. "There…there ya go…K.L.B….from Rhode Island….."

His brother shook his head and helped Dante sit up, who smiled and waved weakly at the camera. "See you next time guys!"

* * *

_Thanks to those of you who sent in the questions used in this episode. For the rest of you, we will probably get to yours in the next chapter or the one after that or the one after that or…well, you get the picture._

_So…The POC thinks Dante's coat is like that amazing English/Australian Whatever Ninja Merchant Man from RE4. Which is actually pretty amusing. _

_Just so you know, the hair gel probably doens't exist, so please do not complain if you've gone and looked and can't find it at the store. This is a work of fiction_ _after all._

_This is great fun guys. As long as you keep sending question, Dante (& Co.) keep answering. So fire away! _


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Well, we're back again for another episode of Ask a Devil Hunter…if you didn't already figure that out for yourself. We would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has sent in questions; it looks like we're set for another five chapters or so. We also apologize for the wait; our Muses decided to take an unauthorized vacation to Jamaica/the Himalayas for a couple of weeks and they just got back Plus, Haliaetus was in Hawaii for a while and so we were unable to get it up. (- loaded on the site, that is….…) Our issues aside, we hope you enjoy this chapter and that it makes you laugh just as hard as the first two did._

Episode 3

The camera was on, but no-one was within range. The reason for this quickly became clear as Dante came into view, holding something large over his head. Leaning slightly, he dropped the object—which turned out to be an armchair, the faded fabric obviously well-worn and battered—onto the floor with a loud thump, dust rising a good foot above the cushions.

Vergil followed a moment later, pushing an identical chair into the space left for it. Once he'd gotten it positioned just right, he dusted off his hands and turned to regard the camera. Frowning, he walked closer, peering as something just to the left of the screen.

"Dante?"

His twin, busy waving the dust cloud away from his face, coughed twice before answering. "Huh?"

"Did you turn on the camera already?"

"Uh, I don't think so, but I bumped into the wall on the way down…" The demon hunter nodded decisively. "Yup. I guess I did."

Vergil simply stared at his brother for a moment before sighing in a resigned manner. "Well, go get the papers. This thing isn't going to record itself, you know."

"Oh! Right!" Dante jerked into motion, launching himself off-screen. Several loud bangs echoed through the large room as Dante apparently searched for the errant questions. Meanwhile, Vergil gave the dusty seats an irritated glare before seating himself in one, careful to keep the dust from poofing up.

A moment later, Dante flew back into view, this time clutching a sheaf of papers. He fell into the chair, releasing a large cloud of dust that somehow managed to fall entirely on Vergil, leaving Dante dust-free. The elder twin simply glared. Completely oblivious to his brother's discomfort, Dante peered down at the question sheet on top.

"Lessee…From Hao is Hot, 'Dante: you drink a lot of beer, right? Well have you ever got hammered? And if so how many times?'" Dante stared at the sheet, his face starting to pinken slightly as Vergil suddenly smirked. "Err…"

With Dante apparently too embarrassed to answer, Vergil decided to answer for him. "Well, he's gotten smashed plenty of times—47 since I've moved in and who knows how many times before that—but one particularly comes to mind…"

"No!" Dante was staring at Vergil with a pleading look. "Don't! Please, V!"

Vergil pretended to consider complying with his brother's request, then continued without remorse, "…when he proposed to a mop."

Dante hid his face behind his hands and the slightly crumpled question sheets. "Meanie-head…" he muttered. "Just you wait, I'll get you back…"

Nodding sagely, Vergil reached over and patted Dante's shoulder in a sarcastically sympathetic gesture. "I'm sure you will, Dante. In the meantime, answer another one.

Dante quickly decided to save himself further embarrassment by doing just that. "Again from Hao is Hot. 'Vergil: This is kind korny but, what's your fave video game? (You can't say any of the DMCs)."

He turned towards his twin, a vicious smirk on his face. "Sooo Verge. What is it? Payback's a bitch, bro."

Vergil began to shift around in his seat. "……Can we move on to another question?"

"Nope." Dante appeared to be getting a sadistic joy out of the whole thing as he settled back into his seat to wait his brother out.

Vergil looked in the opposite direction, seeming bound and determined to ignore the rest of the world now.

Dante, however, would not tolerate this. "Dude, just answer the question. Or would you like me to do it instead?"

"NO!" Vergil set his jaw, raised his chin, and stared at the screen resolutely (although with a tic developing in his left eye). "I…admit that, at times, I do enjoy a good game of……..Katamari Damacy…..Not that I play it on a regular basis, mind you."

"Four hours a night doesn't count as regular, I take it?" Dante inquired, smirking.

"Yes. Compared to you, at least. With your bloody Resident Evils and Grand Theft Autos and-"

"But the question wasn't about ME, Verge. Anyway, moving on." He picked up the next question, still smirking.

"Well, this one was sent in by Eric Draven201 'Dante, Have you ever impersonated your brother to get what you wanted?' Ummm…..heh…see…" He somehow blushed and paled simultaneously.

The most likely cause was that Vergil was now glaring at him. In a terrifically deadly and threatening manner. "You…you…" Suddenly, he looked contemplative. "Actually, I don't have any right to be angry, since I've done the same thing…"

Dante blinked, surprised to still be alive and completely nonplussed by Vergil's admission. "Huh?" he managed intelligently.

Vergil smirked slightly at the memory. "Back when Mother and Father were still alive, I'd act like you to get the leftover mix when Mother made brownies."

"You bastard!" Dante shouted, question list dropping unheeded as he leapt up from the stool to glare fiercely at his elder twin. "The brownie goo was mine!"

Unfazed by this show of temper, Vergil simply raised an eyebrow. "Well, what did you do?"

That got Dante to calm down pretty quickly and he retrieved the paper and took his seat again, looking anywhere but at Vergil. "Er…well, y'see…"

"Sometime in the next century, Dante…"

"Right. Uh, you remember that chemistry set Mom gave you for our eighth birthday…?"

Vergil blinked, confused, then scowled as he realized what Dante was talking about. "You didn't…"

Now that he was started, Dante kept going, the words spilling out quicker and quicker. "And you remember when you lost those beakers and the chemicals that went missing? Well, yeah…I kinda pretended to be you so that Mom would let me play with them alone…" The devil hunter cringed, obviously expecting his brother to strike him dead for such behavior.

Instead of smiting his twin, though, Vergil thought about it for a moment, unconsciously causing Dante even more distress as the awaited blow never came. "I suppose we're even, then," he said finally, reaching over to pull the question paper out of his brother's unresisting hand. Looking it over, he snorted.

Standing, he walked towards the camera. "Well, that should be enough for today. We'll answer some of the others in a future episode. Besides, I need to…discuss something with my brother. Good bye." With that, he reached out and pushed the record button, pulling the camera off of the tripod as it saved the data.

Behind him, Dante looked rather worried and opened his mouth to question what Vergil was going to do. Before he could speak, though, Vergil set the camera down and pulled out his sword, turning to face his brother.

"Now," he began calmly, "we can do this my way or we can do this the hard way."

Dante gulped, certain he was living his final moments. "Uh, can I ask what I did to piss you off? For future reference."

Vergil paused and considered his brother for a moment. Then he shrugged. "Actually, I've changed my mind. I'm going to bed." He turned to leave and Dante let out a sigh of relief, immensely grateful to still have all of his limbs attached.

"But don't think I've forgotten about the chem set. You _will_ pay."

It would be nearly dawn before Dante would manage to get any sleep, while Vergil dreamed of…well, whatever it is Vergil dreams about.

_Sorry for the long wait, again, but we hope that this has at least partially made up for it in some way. Heh, brownie goo… Anyway, we'd love to hear back from you guys, though don't feel pressured to send in questions (we have nearly five more chapters worth stocked up at the moment). Er…I can't think of anything else…shrug Have a nice day. Muffin._


	4. Chapter 4

_Ask a Devil Hunter_

_A/N: It's so late!! We're so sorry!! This chapter is kinda long, though, to make up for it…_

_We apologize (do authors ever __stop__ apologizing?) to all of our awesome readers who submitted questions that have yet to be answered. Rest assured, all questions submitted __will__ be answered. However, we currently have a bit of a backlog of questions and not enough time to answer them all in a very timely manner. _

_So, we have come up with this solution: questions submitted for chapters one and two will be put at the top of the priority list and will be answered in the next five or so chapters. After those have been taken care of, we will answer questions on a chapter by chapter basis (i.e. questions sent in as reviews for chapter three will be answered before those for chapter four and so on). We hope that this is an acceptable compromise between your wanting to get answers to your questions and us being able to answer them all._

_Also, sometime in the next few chapters, we will be having a chapter (or two, depending on the number of questions) that will deal heavily in the yaoi-ness that has been only an undercurrent thus far. There will be an appropriate warning at the beginning of the episode and we will be posting it at the same time as another episode so that those who would rather not read anything dealing with yaoi (or incest, for that matter…) need not do so. So, for those of you who have asked questions dealing with the relationship between the brothers, that will be your chapter. (On a side note, we're rather surprised that only the first chapter actually had any major allusions to yaoi…we must not have much hentai-ness left over from writing our other fics, since this one has been so tame…)_

_All seriousness aside, we hope you enjoy reading this next episode as much as we enjoyed coming up with it. _

_Bon Appétit! (H: that's appropriate, right? POC: sigh One, it's French and two, it means…well, it has something to do with food. Not reading. H: Oh…whatever.)_

_Sufi_

Episode Four

Vergil was already sitting in one of the armchairs in front of the camera, his face completely blank. He didn't move, instead sitting perfectly still, forefingers and thumbs forming a triangle on his lap. There was silence for a moment, before some shuffling sounds could be heard from off-screen.

He barely blinked as something flew past his head to crash into something else behind the chairs. He didn't flinch, either, as a sheaf of papers (nearly unrecognizable as the sheets of questions) hit his shoulder and drop to the ground. Finally, he shifted to look at Dante as his brother lands on his chair (beaten since the last use, so no more dust) and promptly falls out of it again as he reaches for the questions.

Vergil, still utterly calm, turned his head back to stare at nothing in particular again. The blank look had stayed put throughout all that and continues as he finally speaks.

"I assume you're ready to begin now?"

"Yep." Dante grinned and rubbed at a speck of blood on his cheek, the small scrape already healed, as he climbed back into the chair. "Insurrection put down!"

"Fine."

Dante closed his eyes as he flipped through the questions, picking several at random. "Okay, people. Here's a letter from smverduzco. 'I'm sorry I need a minute to write this I almost died of laughter when I thought of this…'" he trailed off as he continued to read what was printed on the paper.

Suddenly, his bottom lip began quivering.

Vergil finally showed some emotion by looking a little shocked as a tear slipped from Dante's eye. "D-Dante?"

The younger twin threw the sheets of paper to the ground and turned on Vergil, snarling, "You WERE a bad older brother, weren't you!"

Vergil's eyes were wide. "Huh?"

"You never share, you say mean things and you throw stuff at me!" Dante expanded. Frowning in confusion, Vergil bent over to pick up the papers, flipping through them until he found the right one.

"'Dante even you get smacked around sometimes (namely by Vergil, what a bad older brother),'" he read aloud slowly. Lifting his eyes to his distraught brother, he stated, "I don't smack you."

"No, you just try to hit me with your sword," Dante grumbled, sniffling.

Sighing, Vergil handed over a handkerchief, produced from some unknown recess in hi coat. "Here, blow your nose and stop crying. We've got things to do."

Dante took the piece of cloth and blew his nose—loudly—as Vergil looked over the questions again.

"'First for Veggie—I mean Vergil. Why do you constantly act like someone stuck a stick up your ass? I mean jeeze, crack a smile (not a smirk!),'" he read.

After he finished, he narrowed his eyes at the paper, then at the camera.

"One, my name is Vergil. Not Veggie, V-babe, V-muffin, V-ster, V-man, Ver-Jill-Jill, or any other such demeaning nickname. I only accept Verge and only by Dante or our parents (who are dead, so they don't count). Anyone else dies. Two, I only seem that way because I am the only sane one left; the rest are complete idiots or completely insane."

Dante sniffed, apparently over his earlier freak-out. "I resent that! I'm an idiot _savant_, not a complete idiot!"

Vergil looked wearily at the camera. "…I rest my case."

The younger Sparda twin threw up his nose and stared at the wall, pointedly facing away from Vergil.

The older brother gritted his teeth, then sighed, before continuing the question. "'That leads me to another dare. Dante, I dare you to get Verge to laugh, not by tickling. –geheheh- You'll have a devil of a time with this one, I can tell.'"

Instantly, Dante was rubbing his hands together and grinning evilly at his brother. "Heheheheh…"

Vergil's eyes widened as he edged back in his seat. "Uh…Dante?"

The younger Sparda was suddenly absent, Vergil left in the metaphorical dust. Sighing, Vergil turned back to the questions. "While Dante plots…whatever he's plotting, I might as well answer a few more questions," he informed the empty room absently.

"Ah, here's one for me. From Kokiiru-kun, 'Are you really a prude, because that's how you come off.'" Reaching off-screen, he pulled a thick book onto his lap and flipped through it. Finding the page he wanted, he read for a moment, then used a finger to mark his place and looked at the camera.

"Well, Professor Webster describes a 'prude' as 'a person who shows or affects extreme modesty.' You decide if it applies."

He looked back to the sheet of questions, dictionary mysteriously vanished, but just then a blur of blue and red bounced into view. Only when it stopped did it become clear that it was Dante…

…dressed up as Superman, complete with the hairdo.

Vergil just stared, a growing look of horror on his face.

Dante frowning. "Damn. Didn't work." With that, he ran off screen again.

Vergil took a moment to shake off his shock. "I hate Superman…" he muttered, almost inaudibly.

He stared down at the papers. "All right. Devilsbliss asks, 'If Dante was a girl, would you still kick his ass?'" He considered the question, then shrugged. "If Dante was a girl, I would have killed him out of sheer annoyance long ago. Can you imagine him PMSing?"

He cleared his throat. "And Devilsbliss continues, with a question for Dante. 'You get swords stabbed through your chest a lot but every time you take them out you seem more energized, are you a pain freak?' Dante?"

Dante, sounding slightly muffled, called back from somewhere off-screen. "um…no. It has something to do with the demonic energy, I think…Verge explained it to my once, but I don't really remember how it works…" He seemed a bit absent minded.

Vergil smirked. "Wouldn't have guessed it by the moods you get in sometimes."

Silence for a minute.

"Shut up!"

Vergil raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything. Suddenly, Dante burst back into view, this time wearing a red cocktail dress.

"Ah! My eyes!" Vergil put his face in his hands, voice sounding like he was about to cry.

Dante put a hand on his hip and pouted. "Fine." He ran off again, leaving Vergil looking miserable in the armchair.

After a moment, Vergil took a deep breath and flipped through the questions again.

"Uh, here's a few from DevilGirl1995. First, 'Do you have a driver's license?' Well, getting a driver's license was one of the first things I did when I moved into the city. Dante only has his bike license, though."

He paused for a moment, thinking.

"Dante, wasn't your license revoked a couple months ago? When you broke five different driving laws in twenty minutes?"

A muffled thump and bang precede Dante's return, this time in a red suit with fluffy white accents. (1) "Umm…yeah? What about t?" he asked, absently shoving the too-big hat back on his head.

Vergil blinked. "Saint Nicholas?"

Dante looked down at himself. "Is that what this is? I just found it in that chest of odds and ends. I didn't know it was a Santa outfit…"

"I think it was one of Father's attempts to please Mother during the holidays."

"…oh. Not funny, then?"

Vergil just shook his head.

"Damn!" Dante left once again.

After watching for a moment, Vergil returned to the questions. "Second from DevilGirl1995, 'What's your favorite show?' Personally, I don't watch that much TV, but when I do, it's documentaries on the History Channel. Dante, on the other hand, prefers Family Guy and Southpark, that I know of."

"Hey! Don't diss the Southpark!"

"…I didn't."

"Oh…"

"Anyway," Vergil continued, "We have very different tastes when it comes to TV." He looked back down to continue reading. "'Why did you start the devil hunting business?'" He shrugged. "I didn't start it; that was all Dante's idea."

He waited. "Dante?"

"Just a minute…"

"Vergil looked down at his folded hands, absentmindedly moving his thumbs around. Finally, Dante came back.

In a giant chicken suit.

Vergil's eyes were wide. "Where the_ hell_ did you get that?"

Dante waved one hand dismissively. "The attic. Funny, huh?"

"No."

"…" Dante looked disappointed.

"Could you answer the question?" Vergil finally asked. "This is _your_ show."

"Right." Dante stripped off the chicken suit, somehow still wearing his usual outfit underneath. He sat in the armchair, looking crestfallen. "Just a sec."

Vergil stared at him.

Dante crossed his arms and pouted at his brother.

Who suddenly let out a surprised bark of laughter, which he quickly tried to disguise as coughs. He wasn't quite successful.

The younger twin grinned. "The suits worked then?"

"No," Vergil replied, his coughs evaporating, though he still wore something between a smirk and a smile. "Those were mentally scarring. I just thought about all the dust and spiders you would have had to crawl through if you'd actually gone up into the attic. You hate spiders."

"…And that's funny?" Dante asked, grin dimming slightly.

"Not exactly," Vergil clarified. "It was just realizing that you'd go to such lengths to get me to laugh…"

Dante beamed. "Yeah! My effort was not wasted!" He turned to the camera. "Oh, yeah. Uh…what was the question?"

Vergil sighed, but repeated it.

"Uh…I started the business for a couple of reasons. One, I needed money. Two, I'm good at it. Three, revenge. My mom was dead 'cause of devils and I thought Verge was, too. So, yeah…"

Vergil cleared his throat. "Well, thank for your questions and time. We'll see you next episode."

"Yeah, yeah! Keep 'em coming! See, I told you it'd be awesome, Vergil!"

"Whatever."

_A/N: So, there you have it. Episode four. See above for our apology. We'll try to get episode five out quicker. In the meantime, go play more DMC and come up with more questions. Even though we've estimated our current list to be worth about eight chapters right now…_


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: 'Ello, people. POCky here to tell you of my amazingness. And that of Itachisemolove. For I have made a deal with her. Soon, she will begin drawing a comic version of AADH. So twice the fun! You get a story and a comic. ^^ So we should be putting up a link to her dA account shortly (and she has some other, DMC related stoof, too, that you should check out). Yay!_

_Yes, we are excited by this. As you can see……Anyway, keep the love coming and we'll keep churning out DMC goodness. XD!_

_Hali: Note to self, monitor POCky's online dealing. May result in hyperness and many fangirly squees…_

Episode 5

"Ooo-oh, I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts—"

"Shut up, Dante."

"There they are standing in a row, dum dum dum—"

"Dante…"

"Big ones, small ones, some as big as your—"

"Dante!"

"Hea—aack! Not the hair! Not the hair!"

"Then stop singing!"

"Why should—hey! Get away from the PS2, Verge or I swear I will not let you sleep for a week by playing the Hamster Dance over and over again. That's right. Just put it down, nice and easy…good. Now the controller…very good. Now get your ass over in front of the camera and say hi to our nice viewers."

Some grumbling could be heard, but after a few seconds, both twins could be seen sitting in their armchairs. Dante waved merrily and picked up his papers, but Vergil still looked pissed.

"Okay, okay. So here we've got a dare from 'Hao is Hot,'" Dante grinned to himself before reading it out loud. "I dare you two to cosplay and act like the other for the rest of this episode."

The twins exchanged a Look ™ that seemed to carry a whole conversation in it (which probably only consisted of "Well?" "Well, what?" "Never mind…") and nodded.

Quickly, Dante somehow spiked his hair back while Vergil shook his out. But while the older twin efficiently shrugged himself out of his coat, Dante took the opportunity to bop about a little as he slowly removed the red material. Vergil only raised an eyebrow at his brother's behavior and patiently waited to exchange coats.

Finally, Dante was satisfied with his little show (Vergil seemed to have dozed off with his eyes open) and handed Vergil his coat, taking the blue one from his brother at the same time. After putting it on and meticulously doing all the buckles and straps, he stooped to pick up the questions.

One he sat, though, he paused. "Wait. Are we supposed to answer each other's questions, then?"

Vergil considered this. "It shouldn't be a problem; we know each other well enough to answer most questions. We'll deal with it if it comes up."

Dante nodded slowly. "Yeah…okay." He turned back to the questions and picked one. "We have 3 questions from MazdaKitsune. First off, for Vergil. 'Why are you so serious? I mean…it wouldn't kill to smile a bit or show some warmth, right? Though I think if you did smile, your fans would most probably die…'" Dante's eyes widened and he looked up at his brother. "You—I mean—_I_ have fans?"

Vergil smirked at the camera, the expression pure Dante. "Sorry, peeps. He doesn't get out much. As for him not smiling, well, there's not much to smile about when your parents were murdered right in front of your eyes, you go insane and try to let all hell loose, you get brainwashed by a megalomaniacal demon Lord and almost kill your last remaining family. Not to mention the slightly unusual career choice…" He glanced over at Dante, whose jaw was still hanging loose.

"I have _fans_?"

Vergil rolled his eyes and sighed. "Here. Give me the questions." He reached over to grasp the papers, lightly kicking Dante as he did so. "Anyway. Second question's for me, since I'm Dante for now. 'What shampoo do you use? I love your hair! Not to say that I don't love Vergil's but I rarely ever see his hair down…it's always spiked. Do the both of you use the same kind of shampoo?'"

He set the questions down on the floor as he wandered off, mumbling, "Be right back," over his shoulder.

Dante watched him leave then turned back to the camera, crossing his legs and steepling his fingers on his knee. "To tell the truth," he said, imitating Vergil's tone perfectly, "I've given up on buying two types of shampoo since Dante invariably ends up using mine." Looking bored, he shrugged.

Vergil returned, staring at a shampoo bottle in his hand. "It's Suave. And it's…hazel wood scent?" He gave Dante a look.

His brother shrugged. "I liked it."

"…You're weird…"

"Like you're one to talk."

Vergil ignored him and tossed the shampoo bottle aside before taking his seat and picking up the questions again. "Okay…third for the both of us. 'I love seeing the both of you fight together, especially when you exchange swords, because then Dante becomes Vergil and Vergil becomes Dante! It's like when you exchange swords you exchange fighting styles too! I love it cause it's so cool, so why do the both of you have to fight each other?'"

Vergil considered it for a moment, and then visibly remembered he was supposed to be Dante. His face subtly shifted into a perplexed expression. "I'm confused…"

Dante looked thoughtful. "It might have something to do with brainwashing by evil megalomaniacal creeps," he mused," but that's just a personal theory."

The older twin nodded. "Yamato and Rebellion are two completely different swords, so they each have a distinct way of handling and that can't be changed, no matter who's using them. As for being able to switch like that, you just don't live with someone for that long and pick up nothing about them."

"Case in point," Dante muttered, indicating their switched appearances.

"Exactly." The elder looked over the questions again. "Here's one for Da—I mean, me, from Rachel in Georgia. 'Why is it that you get all the girls when your brother is the attractive one?'" Dante snorted and Vergil looked indignant. "Hey! Are you saying I'm unattractive?!"

"No, she's saying that I'm attractive. Apparently." Dante examined a section of his blue coat calmly.

"But we're twins!" Vergil protested, waving the questions through the air. "That shouldn't matter!"

His brother snorted again. "Have you looked in a mirror recently?"

Vergil looked confused. "No, but what does that have to do with anything?"

"I thought not." Dante sighed and gave up on the coat, leveling his gaze at Vergil. "Twins or not, we look different."

"I fail to see how this results in you not getting any," Vergil observed, crossing his arms.

"My point was…well, I guess it doesn't matter. I'm just not interested in one-night stands. Like you."

Vergil gasped, visibly taken aback. "How can you say that? You're not normal!"

"No shit, Sherlock. Answer the next question. I don't have all day."

"Yeah, you do," Vergil muttered. "Answering!" he yelped, holding up the papers as a shield as Dante made a threatening motion towards him. "Umm…for…me, I guess, from Remnant of Life. 'How does it feel to work alongside a woman that looks like your mother? I mean, doesn't she yell at you sometimes like a mother does?' Well, at first it was really weird," Vergil continued, shaking stray strands of silver hair out of his eyes. "Then I realized my mother would never wear something like that."

"No duh…" Dante interjected.

"After that," Vergil said, ignoring Dante. "It got easier, but then she'd get all motherly over nothing and it'd go weirder for a while…"

Dante nodded. "She does yell at him sometimes. Mostly to inform him—and I quote—that 'this room is a pigsty, the bathroom is unrecognizable as such because of the grime and your bedroom looks like a hurricane passed through.' That particular incident was shortly after I'd moved in. I assure you that the bathroom is now grime-free. It's entertaining to watch, however…"

"For you maybe," Vergil said, glaring into space. "It's creepy on this end. Especially since she puts her hands on her hips just like Mom did…" He shivered and shuffled the papers quickly, obviously wanting to forget the remembrance.

"Okay. From Grimmjowluvsu. 'What do you guys do when you're not hunting demons?' Lessee. I eat pizza and practice with Ebony and Ivory—"

"By using old ceiling stains as targets." Dante, dressed as Vergil, looked proud.

His expression suddenly changed to a devious one. "While _I_ read—" he paused to snicker, "—trashy romance novels and pulp fiction."

Vergil twitched, the expression out of character for Dante, but perfectly suited to himself. "I think that's enough questions for now."

Dante grinned at the camera. "Thanks for the questions and your time! See you next time!"

"If there _is_ a next time, you little bastard…"

"Uhh…yeah….turning the camera off now…"

_A/N: Don't worry. Despite what the boys say, there __will__ be more episodes. By the way, Hao, that dare made it really hard to write this episode. At least we made the boys have some trouble, too, so we weren't alone…_…Anyway, we're not dead (yet!), so keep on sending in questions!_

_Reminder: The next chapter is (rather heavily) yaoi and stuff of yaoi fangirls' daydreams. You have been warned._


	6. Chapter 6 YAOI

_A/N: Finally, for you VxD fans out there, we bring the yaoi chapter. Fanservice at your fingertips. This is the chapter to read if you've ever wondered just what the boys get up to in their sex lives (pun intended). We'll have you know that we risked life and limb to bring you this episode. (Dante couldn't get his guns in time, the weapons closet door jammed and we ducked Vergil's swing just in time. Hali still lost a few hairs.) Remember, people. There's a reason this is marked…oh, it's only T. I thought it was M…Maybe I should change it…_

_WARNINGS: Yaoi (that means guy on guy, people), twincest (this one should be obvious), umm…swearing…oh! citrus (of the lime sort. We're too chicken to do a lemon. This means there's some action of the yaoi sort, but nothing major.)_

Episode 6

Vergil looked blank, as usual, while Dante looked miserable as he slouched in his seat. Also he was muttering to himself.

"You people are bastards…When I said you could ask questions, I didn't mean crap about our sex lives…Assholes…"

Vergil didn't blink at his brother's rantings. He was studying the papers in his hand, instead. Slowly, one eyebrow rose. "Damn," he quietly agreed.

He reached over and pulled his brother upright by his coat. "The sooner we start, the sooner we can get it over with."

Dante grumbled, but turned to the camera. "Alright, bitches. Who's first?"

Vergil cleared his throat. "From Hay Lin Rox, for Dante. 'Have you ever been in a threesome?'" He turned to look at Dante.

The younger twin colored slightly. "Er…no?"

Both of Vergil's eyebrows rose now. "Was that a question?"

Dante stared. "…No? I mean, uh, of course not." He focused on a spot off screen.

Vergil sat back in his seat with a 'whump' and snorted. "That's _so_ convincing…Next. From Dhuaine. 'Vergil, are you a virgin?'" He trailed of, eyes slightly wide as he stared at the paper in astonishment.

Dante, on the other hand, was laughing hysterically, his earlier anger forgotten. So much so, in fact, that he fell out of his chair. On the floor, he continued laughing.

The elder tried to regain his composure. "After certain…questionable events…"

Dante just laughed harder.

"…No, I am not. Matter closed. Dante, get off of the floor; you don't know what's been there."

The younger devil hunter paused his laughing long enough to grin up at Vergil. "Yeah, I do…"

Vergil blinked, then sighed. "Never mind. Just…" He shook his head and moved a hand in the general direction of the questions before rubbing at his forehead.

Stubbornly staying on the floor, Dante reached for the questions. "Uh, for both of us, from Siren's Decay. 'Would both of you have a threesome with a girl together?'" Vergil sank lower in his seat as Dante's face took on a decidedly glazed look. "You mean like that one time at that one club?"

Suddenly, Vergil was sitting upright, looking in horror at his brother. "No! I mean, uh, no, not that time. Or any others!" He received a confused look.

"What are you babbling about, Verge?"

"Uh, nothing," Vergil said, leaning back slightly with a relieved expression. "To answer the question, it would take enough alcohol to inebriate a herd of bull elephants before _that_ would happen. If ever."

Off to one side and out of Dante's sight, however, Vergil had his fingers crossed.

"…Right." Watching Vergil carefully, Dante reseated himself on the chair and lifted the questions again. "Uh…here's a few from L.B. for me…" He stopped talking, lips moving slightly as he read. As he did so, his face grew progressively redder.

Finally, his face a bright tomato red, he shoved the question sheets at Vergil. The older twin took them and Dante buried his face in his hands. "This is _so_ embarrassing…" he muttered.

Vergil patted him absently on the head as his eyes scanned the paper for L.B.'s questions. "'Dante, have you ever fallen in love with a guy (that is not your brother)? Ok, I'll just say it outright. Dante are you gay and in love with your brother Vergil (he's hot too by the way)?'…I see what you mean, Dante."

"Sadistic bastards…" his brother said. Vergil nodded.

"Still, you agreed to answer the questions they sent in. So, are you going to answer or not?"

Dante sighed and lifted his head. He looked miserably at the camera. "I…uh…I…No?" He seemed to think a moment before going red and burying his face in his hands again. "I'm bi…not gay…" He went quiet and Vergil had to prod him a couple of times in the ribs to get him to continue.

The younger twin snarled, his embarrassment apparently turning to anger. "And yes! Fine? YES! Fuck you, world!" He sat back heavily in his chair, muttering to himself.

Vergil glanced down at the paper, looked over it and threw the paper over his shoulder. He stood and turned Dante's chair around to face him. Dante, still grumbling, didn't notice until his brother sat on his lap and forced his chin up. "Verge, wh—"

He was cut off by his brother's mouth covering his. Almost automatically, his hands came up to grasp at the back of Vergil's neck. Their teeth audibly clicked as they shifted to get a better angle.

—_Considerably longer than a minute and a half later...—_

"Uh, Verge, I don't have any—oh. Ohh…hey!"

"…What?"

"You were on top last time! It's my turn. Hand it over."

"…Fine. Spoilsport…"

"I didn't hear you complaining the last time."

"Yeah well, that was because I was...a bit…busy—would you get that buckle? I can't reach it."

"Hm? Noo…I don't think I will. It lets me do this…"

—_Various appreciative *_ahem_* noises can be heard off camera, as the twins have moved out of sight. All that can be seen are the two chairs, one tipped over on its side, the sheets of questions lying on one skewed arm.—_

Some time later, Vergil appeared. He righted the chair and glanced at the questions before setting them on one of the seats.

"Damn viewers," he muttered, turning to go. As he did so, though, he noticed the camera. "Huh. Oh, we must have forgotten to turn it off." He paused, coloring slightly as he remembered exactly _why_ they'd forgotten about the camera. "I'll edit it before uploading it and no one will be the wiser."

His image tilted as he pulled the camera off of the tripod.

"Then again," he mused. "It'd serve Dante right for starting this damn thing…"

He turned it off.

_A/N: O.M.G. …O.O We weren't planning on making it a lime, I swear. That was all the boys' fault. We swear. _' _

_Sorry it was short, but the boys were being uncooperative. See the beginning author's note._

_On a different note, we actually cranked this thing out in less than a week. Be amazed. Also, we need more questions before we can write another yaoi chapter, which shouldn't be a problem, since we've got the next one planned for episode twelve._


	7. Chapter 7

Ask a Devil Hunter

_A/N: We have passed the half-dozen mark! We're so proud of ourselves! Anyway, the usual apology about taking so long and on with the fic!_

_Also. This chapter is almost unanimously dedicated to Dhuaine. The reason shall become obvious as you read. So do so._

Episode Seven

When the camera turned on, it was to a blurry field of red, with something black across the lower left corner.

This quickly clarified into Dante's coat as the devil hunter moved from in front of the camera to his seat. Vergil wasn't in sight and Dante had a slightly impatient look on his face.

After a moment, Dante sighed and twisted in his seat to look over at where (presumably) the bathroom was. "Verge, your hair's fine! Get your ass over here or I'll start saying embarrassing things about you to our viewers!"

There was a pause as Vergil seemed to consider whether or not his brother would follow through on his threat, then footsteps could be heard.

"That's better." Dante smiled and turned back to the camera. "Cool. Okay. This is from AkaeritheShadow. 'Vergil, do you like ice cream or is it just Dante?' Verge?"

The twin in question was arranging himself comfortably on his own armchair. Once he finished, he examined his fingernails. "It's alright. I'm not obsessed with it like a certain someone…" He glanced sideways. "Sometimes it depends on the way it's served," he added with a completely straight face.

Dante blinked. "Uh…Ver—"

"Next question."

"…Yeah. Ok. We have two questions from Dhuaine. The first is: 'Vergil, dear, I appreciate your fashion sense—the cravat rocks—but what the fuck is with the DMC# boots? They look like galoshes!'" Dante snickered and leaned over to look as his brother's feet. "It's true! Color them bright yellow and they _would_ be galoshes!"

Vergil snorted. "However, they are _not_ galoshes. They're leather and tailored specifically for me. Besides, they match my outfit."

"If you say so, Verge. I think I'll agree with Dhuaine on this one; they look like galoshes."

"But they're not!"

"Are they waterproof?"

It was Vergil's turn to blink. "What? Of course they are."

"Then they're galoshes. Moving on." Dante started to look at the questions again, but Vergil wasn't going to let the matter drop so easily.

"Galoshes are plastic! And they come in horridly lurid colors! My boots are _not_ galoshes!" he exclaimed, still indignant.

"We've only got your word for it, bro and you have to admit they kinda _look_ like galoshes."

"But they're not!" Vergil muttered sullenly, sinking back into his seat in an uncharacteristic slouch.

"Anyway, here's the second question from Dhuaine, also for Vergil. 'What diminutives of your name do you like?'"

Vergil glared slightly at the camera, though it came across as more of a pout, given that he was still slouched in his seat. "None of them, but I'll respond to the recognizable ones, though the responses may not be pleasant. V-babe is _not_ one of them."

"Well, she did stop after you glared at her," Dante pointed out. "And _I've_ called you that occasionally."

"You're different. Coming from her, it was demeaning. Next."

"Alright. Lessee…huh. Looks like Dhuaine was really curious. Here's some more from her, this time for both of us. First up is 'Can you cook?'" Dante grinned cheerfully. "Nope! I do a mean take-out though. And I can whip up a great delivery call. Actually, I know the workers at all the local pizza places on a first name basis."

Vergil rolled his eyes, straightening up as he apparently forgot the matter about the galoshes. "And if I hadn't come around and moved in, you'd be dead of a heart attack right now from all the cholesterol."

His brother frowned. "So that's why you stop me if I try to order pizza more than three times a week?"

Vergil ignored him and looked at the camera. "Anyway. I find my way around a kitchen well enough, I suppose. At least when _I_ cook, we don't get food poisoning."

Dante pouted slightly.

Vergil Looked™ at him. "…"

"_What_?"

"The next question?"

"Oh. Right. Um…'Have you two ever had a drinking contest? If yes, who won?"

Dante snickered while Vergil rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Actually, we have. It was…" Vergil trailed off as he thought.

"Before Teminegru," Dante prompted.

"Right. _Way_ before Teminegru, when Dante was still an amnesiac and walking around as Tony. I was…having issues, as well and—"

"He challenged me to a duel. I didn't feel like fighting, so I suggested a drinking contest. I drank him under the table." Dante looked proud.

"Quite literally," Vergil added distastefully.

"And then I stole his wallet!" Dante grinned, seeming even more proud of this fact than the previous.

Vergil rolled his eyes. "Your forgot that after that, you proceeded to drink a whole keg and pay (using my walled) for round for the whole bar, wandered off—completely smashed, I might add—into an alley and got attacked by a bunch of demons."

"…Well, yeah, but I killed them." Dante looked confused.

The elder shook his head in exasperation. "That's not the point, but…whatever. Next question."

His brother blinked, shrugged and looked down. "Oh, this one's for just Vergil. Still Dhuaine, though. 'Do you mind wearing a suit? Men usually hate them, but you actually strike me as the type who could survive in one.'"

The blue-clad twin nodded. "During the same time period as the aforementioned drinking contest. At the time I was calling myself Gilver and I dressed in a suit while I wrapped myself in bandages so no one could see my similarity to 'Tony Redgrave.'"

Dante grinned. "Right. You were doing a Shishio Makoto-in-a-suit thing."

One of Vergil's eyes narrowed. "What?"

The other devil hunter let out a sigh as he hung his head in fake sorrow. "Remind me to show you after this. I'll explain it."

"…Sure. Not that you explaining things gets anything cleared."

Dante ignored him (for once) and looked down at the sheet again. "Okay, one last thing from Dhuaine. 'I dare Dante to wear a tuxedo for at least thirty minutes.'" He immediately pouted. "Aw…do I have to?"

Vergil looked at him unsympathetically. "Yes. Go change. I actually looked over the questions earlier and prepared a suit for you. It's right over there." He pointed somewhere off-camera.

"Thanks a lot. Couldn't you have just gotten rid of that?" Dante whined.

"No."

Dante growled and stalked off, muttering to himself. "What's with all the dares, anyway? I'm convinced these people hate me…"

Vergil snorted. "If they hated you, they'd be sending us hate mail instead of questions. They probably just enjoy seeing you in severe discomfort."

There was a pause in the rustling noises coming from off-screen. "Like that makes me feel better," Dante muttered sarcastically before continuing to get dressed.

Vergil sat in his armchair and absently picked at one of his nails. He looked up, though, when Dante made a whimpering noise. "Did you get your head stuck on the sleeve again?"

"No." He sounded indignant. "I just can't figure out how this damn thing works."

"What, that?" Vergil stood up. "God, you're helpless."

"No, I'm not!"

"Yes, you are."

"Hey, I can beat you in a fight! I'm not helpless!"

"You only win because I let you. I just don't want to kill my dear brother and if I went all out, that's exactly what would happen."

Silence.

"Well, I don't want to kill you either. So there."

There was another long sigh. "Fine, whatever. You win. Just put this there…"

"Oh. That's how it works? Okay. Thanks."

"You're welcome." Vergil walked back into view and settled himself into his chair.

A few moments later, Dante walked into view, as well, dressed in a black tuxedo.

Vergil nodded approvingly at his twin and reach down to the floor beside him. Lifting up a timer, her set if for 30 minutes and put it aside. That done, he stood up and left the room.

Dante watched him go, an indignant expression growing on his face. "Oi! Where are you going?"

"There's an email from Trish that I need to reply to. I should be back before the timer runs out," Vergil told him from off-camera.

The younger twin grumbled, but stayed where he was, tugging irritably at the stiff fabric.

—_time lapse, cuz we're too lazy to write about just Dante, even if he is in a suit—­_

The timer was down to about three minutes before Vergil reappeared. He stopped at the edge of the camera's screen and looked down at where Dante had ended up, laying on the floor. Vergil just shook his head and stepped over his brother to reclaim his seat.

"I hate you."

Vergil raised an eyebrow at Dante.

"You're a sadistic son of a fucking bitch and I hate you."

The second eyebrow joined its mate.

"This…_thing_ is not an article of clothing, it's a torture device."

"Ah," Vergil said, understanding.

Just then, the timer buzzed and Dante shot to his feet and out of view. Vergil smirked and looked at the camera. "I think that'll be all for today," he said, standing and walking towards the camera. "Until next time."

* * *

_A/N: Well, nearly all of those questions were from Dhuaine, which is why we dedicated this chapter to her. BUT, it also means that we've only got one more question from those submitted for Episodes 1 and 2. ^^ Yay! As always, we welcome all questions! For those of you wondering when your questions will be answered, see the author's note in Episode 4._

_See you next time!_

_P.S. PLEASE DO NOT SUBMIT QUESTIONS REGARDING DMC4, NERO, KYRIE OR ANY COMBINATION OF THE ABOVE. We have no experience with them, thus we have nothing to draw on for answers. This will be repeated in every chapter from here on, so that there is no confusion/forgetting. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding._


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N:I'm not going to bother apologizing for taking so long, since I'm sure it's understood at this point. _

_REMINDER: DO NOT SUBMIT QUESTIONS REGARDING DMC4, NERO, KYRIE OR ANY COMBINATION OF THE ABOVE. Thank you. Please enjoy the fic._

Episode 8

"Vergil!"

"What?"

"I can't find my hairbrush!"

"…Did you look in the bathroom?"

"No…How'd it get in there?"

"That's where I put it the last time I cleaned," Vergil said, coming into view. He settled into his chair and, after making sure the title wasn't visible through his fingers, started to read the book he'd been carrying.

Several minutes later, Dante bounced onto his chair, opting to sit on the arm, rather than the seat.

"Hey, Ver—"

An upraised hand cut him off as Vergil continued to read, unaware that the title was now visible.

Dante leaned over to peer at it before snickering, trying uselessly to cover his mouth with his hand.

Vergil looked up and glared. "_What_?"

"Lady of the Knight?"

"…Shut up. Trish and I belong to the same book club and they voted on it. _I_ wanted to read—….nevermind."

Dante grinned evilly. "Nooo, do tell."

"No."

"Pwease?"

"_No_."

"Asshole." Dante sulked.

Vergil let out a huff and tucked the book between himself and the arm of the chair. "Just answer your silly questions."

"How about you answer some?"

Vergil picked up the papers from the floor and shoved them at his brother.

"Fine." Dante stared at the top page. "Well, first question's from Dhuaine. 'Vergil, have you ever been pointed at in a store for something stupid that Dante did?' Well, Verge?" Dante looked up to grin at his brother, the expression slipping slightly as he saw the glare directed in his direction by a pair of ice blue eyes.

"Er…answer the question, Verge," Dante ventured after a few seconds of slight intimidation. "Please?"

Vergil sighed as if heavily put-upon and turned to face the camera with a world-weary expression. "You can't imagine the humiliation," he began.

"Oi!" Dante broke in indignantly. "Just because I dropped the ice cream—"

"You screamed 'Strawberries down! Someone get a medic!' in a high, shrill voice," Vergil countered calmly. "There were small children present and I still feel their mothers' stares every time I go shopping." Vergil raised an eyebrow at Dante, as if daring him to contradict his testament.

Dante scowled defensively. "Yeah, well…next question!" Dante hastily flipped through the papers, trying to find a question as far away from strawberries or shopping as possible. "Ah! Here we go! From Kokiiru-kun, 'Dante have you ever dressed as Vergil to score a girl (Vergil's or otherwise)?'"

He laughed. "Well, Vergil didn't exactly date in high school, so there wasn't much point and after that, well, I was too busy to think of doing so." He looked at Vergil, but the older twin just looked back at him, one eyebrow raised. Dante smirked. "It was kinda funny, actually. Some chick would come and start hitting on him and he'd just glare," he continued.

Vergil suddenly perked up. "Wait. Didn't you say once that you went to school as me when I was sick that one day?"

"Oh, yeah…That was funny. Everyone was so confused at to why 'Vergil' was acting like 'Dante.' I even flirted with this one chick, though that wasn't the point of dressing up as you."

The elder abruptly looked pensive. "So _that's_ why that girl was so friendly to me when I came back!"

Dante snickered. "Yup. Friendly…."

Vergil rolled his eyes. "Next question."

"'Kay. Two out of three from Kokiiru-kun. 'Vergil, have you ever raided any of Dante's stashes (pizza or otherwise)?'"

The blue-clad twin let out a sigh. "Well, I don't intentionally raid them, but I wills ay that I'm always finding his stashes. Pizza, ice cream, beer, weapons, porn, extra coats…It's always a surprise."

Dante was nodding in agreement, then stopped. "Wait. You found my extra coats? Where are they? I've been looking for them for months!"

Vergil stared at him. "They're in the closet. Where you put them." He turned back to the camera. "Anyway. I guess you could say it's like an unexpected and unwanted treasure hunt. I open a cupboard and there's some guns. Instead of pancake mix. Which, I must say, makes it quite difficult to prepare breakfast as guns are proven to be bad for your digestive system." He sent his younger brother a mild glare.

"Eh-heh…Whoops. But that explains why you woke me up by shooting at me the other day, at least…"

"Right."

"You're so silly…ok, next. Last one from Kokiiru-kun. 'Vergil, stupid questions, but were you ever picked on in school? Since you're the quiet smart twin and all.'" Dante chuckled. "No, there was always this five foot space bubble of threatening dema—damen—aura, around him and…what?" He looked innocently at Vergil, who had been giving him an annoyed look.

"It was my question."

"It was? ...Oh." Dante looked off to the side. "Um…"

Vergil sighed and plucked the questions from Dante's grasp. "Let me do it." He cleared his throat. "Eh, two from chibi-suke07. First one, 'Dante and/or Vergil, what is the most embarrassing thing you've ever done in public (besides the 'proposing to a mop' thing)?'" He gave the paper, then the camera, an odd look. "Didn't we just cover this with the strawberries?"

"No, that was simply if you'd been embarrassed by something _I'd_ done in public."

"Ah, right." Vergil reread the question silently, then glanced at Dante, a decidedly evil smirk growing on his face. "Which one, which one…"

The younger twin looked flustered. "Er…I could say the same thing about you!"

Vergil snorted and leaned back in his chair. "Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah!" Dante crossed his arms.

"Prove it."

Dante seemed to think a moment before he smirked. "Cat in the lap."

The elder's eye twitched. "…Damn. Well, Lady in the restaurant!"

"Ouch!" Dante's breath hissed as he sucked air in. "Well, Lucia in the video store!"

"That wasn't my fault! The movie case was stuck! Besides, you're the one who nearly fell into the fountain at the mall while trying to rescue a French Fry!"

"Yeah?! Well—" Dante smirked even wider. "Strawberries down!"

Vergil visibly winced. "Point. Even if it wasn't something _I _did."

The younger twin looked far too smug about his victory, but Vergil let the matter drop after giving his brother a wary look. Glancing down at the question sheet, he blinked and scowled as he read the next question again. Finally, he sighed and rubbed at his temple.

"Chibi-suke07's second question is actually a dare. Where do you guys get these ideas? No, wait, don't tell me. I don't want to know."

Dante leaned over, curious. "What's the dare?"

Pulling the paper out of reach when Dante tried to grab it, Vergil shook his head. "It's not for this time, anyway, so I'll read it at the end."

His brother pouted, but Vergil ignored him, returning his attention to the papers. "Alright. Next question is from Laughing Bandit D Royale. Hey, we've heard from this person before. And…I don't know why this is even relevant, but the first question is for me. 'Have you ever had a girl/boyfriend. As in: have you ever actively wooed a girl/guy.'" He sighed again. "To answer, no, I haven't. They come to me, unfortunately. I have to threaten them to get them to leave me the hell lone. If I want company of any sort, I'll find some myself."

Dante frowned thoughtfully. "But what about what's-his-face…the one you—" He was cut off by Vergil's hand as the other twin struggled to control a rising blush.

"That doesn't count," he growled. "I was seven!"

The younger just rolled his eyes in a "whatever" gesture. A second later, Vergil snatched his hand back and grimaced as he wiped it on the chair arm.

"That's gross, Dante."

"Maybe, but it works." The devil hunter grinned and stuck out his tongue childishly. "What's the next question?"

Vergil looked down again. "It's for you, this time, thank the gods."

"Oh, fun!"

"'Dante, given a choice, which do you prefer; pizza or strawberry sundae? And why?'"

Dante blinked slowly, a pole axed expression forming on his face. "I…have to choose?"

"Well, let's see," Vergil said. "Since I moved in, I've found…" He counted under his breath, fingers moving spasmodically. "Twenty-eight and a half boxes of uneaten pizza and only…twenty-two and a third cartons of uneaten strawberry ice cream, so…" He trailed off, looking at his younger sibling expectantly. (Though, what he expected from _Dante_ was anyone's guess.)

The red-clad half-demon took a long minute to process the information. "So, I order more pizza than ice cream…" He suddenly started sobbing. "I'm sorry, strawberry sundaes!"

Vergil gave him an weird look. "Freak…" Ignoring the waterworks, he scanned the paper again. "Hey, that's all the questions, but do you want to hear that dare now?"

Dante's eyes were abruptly dry as he leaned over in an attempt to see the paper. Vergil twisted so that he couldn't. "What is it, Verge?"

"'In the next video you dress up as your favorite childhood superhero (with spandex and everything)!'"

"Heh heh heh…This'll be fun, Verge!" Dante jumped up and sped off-screen.

His brother watched him go with a resigned look and stood up slowly. "I think I'll see what I can do about letting…" He glanced at the paper again. "Chibi-suke07 know just how displeased I am with this…this…this _dare_. Until next time, then." He turned the camera off.

* * *

_A/N: Well, there you go. We'll get right on the next chapter, so be looking for that in a week or so. It'll take us at least that long to get Vergil to agree to dress in spandex. _

_We love reviews, especially since this one is actually review driven. Let us know it's unoriginal and stupid and we really shouldn't quit our day jobs (or rather, we should go find some sort of proper employment so that we're not just sitting around writing crap like this) and that you absolutely hate our writing style. Please, we want to hear it. Of course, we want to hear that we're doing an amazing job with an unoriginal plot by putting our own special twist on it more, but well, beggers can't be choosers. So drop us a line._


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N: Erm, right. So, welcome to Episode 9. *ducks fruit, veggies and the occasional shuriken thrown from pissed people who put this story on their alerts/favorites list* I swear, we've been working on it for a while, but life got in the way (and didn't even give us any lemons, the bastard)._

_POC:*ahem*……  
__Hali: What? …Oh. Whoops. O///O. Didn't mean it that way…  
__POC: good. We don't wanna lie to our dear readers. :3_

_Anyway…yeah. We would like to assure you guys that NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES US TO WRITE A NEW CHAPTER, THIS STORY WILL NEVER BE ABANDONED. (You can quote us on this in six months when we still haven't come out with a new chapter and you're getting impatient.)_

_And congrats to all of you who actually got what just happened up there. You all have dirty minds. (And, no, we're not explaining it to those of you who didn't understand.)_

_Thank you for your time. Enjoy the fic._

* * *

Episode 9

The shot opened to Vergil, sitting in his armchair with a pair of very large headphones on. His eyes were closed and his posture relaxed, almost slouching. He obviously wasn't paying any attention to the gunshots echoing loudly around the room. Dante was nowhere to be seen, the shots presumably being caused by him.

This went on for almost a full minute.

Finally, the shooting stopped. Then the sound of a door being slammed took its place, followed by the clunking of boots on the hardwood floor.

Dante appeared and tapped his twin on the shoulder. Vergil twisted to look at him, pulling the headphones down to his neck. "Solicitors gone?"

The younger Sparda nodded. "Yup. Damn persistent asses. Almost worse than telemarketers."

Vergil shrugged and tossed the headphones off-screen. "True, but now you have questions to deal with."

"Right." Dante peered at the camera before sitting down. "Almost forgot about that."

Vergil magically produced the paper from somewhere (probably either the armchair caches, the inside of his coat or his sleeve) and cleared his throat. "The first one's for us both from Laughing Bandit D Royale. 'Where do you buy your clothes? Or do you make them yourselves?' Well," he continued, setting the paper aside. "I shop primarily at specialty shops for my clothing needs—"

"All of them expensive," Dante interrupted. "Myself, I shop at the _cool_ stores, like PacSun, Hot Topic, Journeys for my shoes and this little place down on West Tender that has some of the most amazing blades and guns."

"Oh, right," Vergil added, "I also go to a specialist for my weapons needs."

Dante sulked. "So did I. Until she died. Which was your fault…"

"Whatever. Next question."

"I've got it!"

Vergil snatched his hand back as Dante lunged for the paper. Carefully, he counted his fingers as the younger twin searched for the next question.

"Lessee…uh, from EricDraven201, 'Just HOW old are you two?' Hmm. Well…"

"Younger than you think, older than you wish," Vergil said before Dante could get anything out. "Next."

Dante started to read off the next question, then paused, confusion spreading across his face. "Wait…isn't there something we're forgetting?"

Vergil froze, a panicked look on his face. "Er…no, no there isn't," he said quickly. "Just read the question."

"No, I'm _sure_ there's something we forgot," Dante said, paper hanging absently from one hand. "I was planning something, but what…?"

"I don't know. Here, give me the paper. _I'll_ read the damn question."

Dante didn't protest the loss of the questions sheet, still deep in thought.

Before Vergil could finish opening his mount to read off the question, though, the metaphorical light bulb seemed to go off over Dante's head.

"I know! The dare!"

Vergil slammed his face into his palm. "Christ on a crutch…"

"No, no, no. Batman! Remember? Not a lame Jesus. That's just silly. C'mon, Verge." Dante grabbed his brother's elbow and started pulling him off-camera.

After several minutes, loud crashes, screaming fits, the sound of metal clashing against metal and what might have been a gunshot, two figures made their way back into view.

In Vergil's chair, there now sat Batman, wearing black spandex and a disgruntled expression. In Dante's, a rather excited Spiderman.

Spider-man/Dante grabbed the paper. "Okay, then. Dressed as your friendly neighborhood Spiderman, I will spectacularly continue answering your questions."

"Shut up," Batman/Vergil growled.

"Oooh, a Christian Bale approach."

Vergil rolled his eyes.

Dante shrugged and started reading. "From MazdaKitsune, for Vergil. 'Does your hair defy gravity?!' It's written in all caps…" He shrugged and looked at his brother expectantly, doing a quick drum-roll on his chair's arm.

Face blank and partially obscured by the Batman mask, the elder twin simply stated, "Yes."

Rolling his eyes, Dane grumbled inaudibly as he glanced back at the paper he still held. His lips moved as he kept reading. "Hey, that's a good idea!" he said, jumping up and sending the paper flying.

Resigned to whatever Dante was up to now (after being forcibly dressed in the black spandex tights, nothing could faze him) Vergil simply picked the paper back up as he waited for his brother's return.

"Bonzai!"

Now drenched in tepid water, Vergil glared through the silver veil of his hair. Slowly setting aside the similarly drenched paper, he turned to look at Dante. "Dante…"

"Spiderman's" features took on a decidedly fearful cast. "Er…yeah?" he answered, taking a step back.

"I'm going to…" A pause as he flicked aside one lock of hair. Dante held his breath. "I'm going to go change. Print off a new copy of the questions while I'm gone and get me a new chair."

Vergil stood and stalked out of view. For a moment, Dante just stood there, then he let out his breath and bent to grab the sodden sheet of paper. "Coulda sworn he was going to kill me," the devil hunter muttered.

_-Vergil must have edited the video at this point before uploading it, as the screen has changed to show a peaceful meadow scene and what can only be termed "elevator music" is playing. This lasts for a few minutes. – _

"Alright. What's the next question?"

Vergil was back in his usual outfit and seated on a stool, the armchair having disappeared. Dante, however, was still dressed as Spiderman, but was now holding a new sheet of paper.

"Er…from Hao is Hot, two questions," he announced. "First, 'Have either of you ever laid or been laid by Trish or Lady?'"

There was a moment of silence.

"No," Vergil said, looking vaguely disturbed.

Dante nodded vigorously in agreement. "Yeah, Trish looks too much like Mom and Lady's so mean to me!"

"Plus, they'd kill us if we tried," his brother added, earning another nod from Dante.

"Yeah…"

They stared into space for a minute before shaking themselves out of it. "Next?" Vergil prompted.

"Right. Yes. 'Have either of you ever stolen anything from the other? (Dante's Amulet and anything from the chem set don't count.)'"

Several moments passed as they both thought.

"Uh…" Vergil muttered, chin on hand.

Dante brightened abruptly. "Oh! I know! I stole your notes for a history exam that one time!"

"Oh, yeah. That was the only test I ever flunked, thank you very much. After that I started booby-trapping my room. Remember when you were entirely engulfed in flamed because you tried stealing my pillow?"

Dante only snorted. "How was I supposed to know you had a flamethrower trap attached to it?"

"You couldn't." The elder smirked. "Anyway. Did I ever steal anything from you?"

"Uh…yeah! You took the triggers off of Ebony and Ivory once and hid them in the oatmeal. I nearly broke a tooth on one."

"I remember that…good times, good times…"

Both brothers smiled and nodded, pleasantly reminiscing.

Finally, they came back to the present. Dante tugged the Spiderman mask off, grumbling something about it being too hot.

Discarding the mask to one side, he glanced back at the questions. "Okay. For me, from ProGamer Kunoichi. 'What's your favorite music?'" He looked at the camera snorted. "Rock. Duh. Some of my favorite bands are Charcoal Filter, Marilyn Manson, Devildriver, Rammstein, Disturb—"

Dante continued to list different song artists, but Vergil rolled his eyes, grabbed the question paper and talked over him.

"Also from ProGamer, for me. 'If you ever have guns (which I doubt) would you name them Yin and Yang?'" He blinked. "No. No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't name them at all. And before you say it, I didn't name Yamato, it came with the name. Also, for your information, I _did_ have a gun once for the sole purpose of killing Dante, but I never bothered to name it."

Dante, apparently finished talking, looked confused for a moment. "Huh? …Oh! Right! When I had amnesia and you were doing a Shishio Makoto in a suit impersonation."

The other twin raised an eyebrow. "Uh…right…Who's Shishio Makoto?"

"I'll show you later," Dante said, rolling his eyes. "Next question."

Vergil read it off. "For Dante. Still ProGamer. 'What car would you like to own?'"

"Generally, I just drive motorcycles, even though I don't have a license…"

"Because you can't keep it, you horrible driver."

"_But_, if I had to choose an actual car, I wouldn't mind a Porsche, any model."

Vergil looked askance at him. "Right. Good luck with that. We'll—"

"Heeey." Dante was suddenly squinting at the paper. "Are you _really_ a pro gamer? You can do that? _And_ you're a ninja? Holy shit, they never told me about that career path in Consumer Ec.!"

Vergil lightly whacked the back of twin's head. "Shut the hell up. Idiot."

Dante grumbled something before looking at the camera. "'Till next time, then. Send me cookies!"

"What?!"

* * *

_A/N: Alright. So, announcement. We have finally gotten our dirty little paws on a copy of DMC 4. Yes, rejoice. HOWEVER, please do NOT submit questions regarding it, as we've had it all of two days and haven't had a chance to get to know any of the characters/events/bad guys/whatever. We'll let you know when we are ready to accept questions for it._

_And remember, any questions of a yaoi nature will be answered in the special chapter, so if you asked such a question and it hasn't been answered yet, that's why. Be patient and we'll let you know when that chapter is posted._

_Over and out,  
__Sufi_


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N (POC): 'Cause Hali's a lazy Bum, I have to start the second chapter in a row…T_T… At least I remembered we needed to work on it._

_Hali: Hey! I remembered, too, I just never did anything about it…^^'_

_Uh-huh…Anyway. Uh….oh, right. XD Credits to Repo. You'll see why. (And no, we don't own that either…)_

_Hali: And we totally got this out before New Years! Two chapters in as many months! It's a record! XD_

**_EDIT: A reviewer has kindly pointed out that WE HAVE ACCIDENTALLY REPEATED A QUESTION FROM EPISODE 9. The jury is still out on what to do about it, so until then, we ask that you try to see this as a completely new question (which is why we're not telling you which one it is). Apologies to the person who submitted the duplicated question, and to the rest of you who notice it. Thank you for your understanding. :D_**

* * *

_Episode 10_

The shot opens to the sound of an unseen-Dante's giggling and the sight of Vergil's boots and legs as he stands on his armchair, each foot planted firmly on the respective armrests. Some indistinct rock music played in the background. And Vergil was…singing?

"I am only living out a LIE!" he belted out, prompting a fresh round of giggles from Dante.

"I am the monster

I am the villain

What perfection?

What precision?!!

Keen inscisions

I deliver

Unscathed organs

I deliver!

Repossessions

I DELIVER!

I'm the Repo

Legal assassin!"

During the course of his singing, his voice had gotten throatier and sparks started to fly as his legs began to shimmer slightly. As the last note faded away, someone clapped, presumably Dante.

"Damn, dude. That was great, but you don't have to almost DT when you do it…"

"Fuck you, Dante. It's your fault for getting me hooked." Vergil stepped off of his perch to sit properly, hands folded neatly in front of him as if he hadn't been flipping out a moment ago.

The younger twin only grinned as he came into view to sit in his own chair. "Actually, you can blame Lady. She showed it to me."

"And neither of you even like musicals, normally."

"It's not a musical," Dante sniffed. "It's a cyperpunk/goth, post-apocalyptic, horror rock opera that kicks ass."

"Well…yes…And it's songs are entirely too catchy."

"You sing them quite well, though, brother."

"Why, thank you." Vergil gave a small nod.

Dante turned towards the camera. "My brother cooks, cleans and can sing fuckin' well. While climbing on the furniture. Who'd've guessed it?"

"Wait. That thing's on?"

Dante snickered and quickly snatched up the usual sheaf of papers from next to his chair. "Moving ON! Before you kill me, let's answer some questions, kay?"

In answer, Vergil growled something incomprehensible, but stayed seated. Although his clenched fists did seem to twitch.

Dante ignored him and cleared this throat officiously. "From ProGamer Kunoichi, for me: 'What car would you like to own?'" He smiled at the camera. "Well, generally, I just drive a motorcycle, but—"

"That you don't even have a license for."

"BUT, if I could get a hold of a mad car, it'd totally be a Camaro, 'cause they're sexy as hell."

The demon hunter paused for a moment as he stared at the paper. He peered questioningly in the camera's direction. "Are you _really_ a pro gamer? You can do that? I've gone my whole life not know you can choose that as a viable career? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS WORLD?!?!"

Vergil visibly winced as Dante's voice grew louder and more piercing with ever wod. "Dante, shut the hell up. You get to kill things for a living."

"…oh…right…" He settled himself back in his chair comfortably. "Okay, then. Uh, lessee…from pangpond, four questions total. First one's for me. 'In Teminigru, after Lady shot you with all of her ammo, why are you trying to kiss her in the end? Does she look really cute when she's mad?' Uh…"

The older twin instantly shot forward, glaring directly into the camera. "Look closer!" he growled dangerously. "He's a teenager with overactive testosterone! He's just trying to be macho and overbearing."

Dante could be seen over Vergil's shoulder, nodding. "Uh-huh…wait. What?"

Vergil rolled his eyes and sat in his chair again, grabbing the questions from his brother on the way. "Next question is…another from pangpond. 'How did you feel when she refused to kiss you?'" Vergil snorted. "His ego was deflated a little, but, again, it wasn't a kiss. It was a dominance issue."

The red-clad twin looked suddenly indignant. "Hey! Those were _my_ questions!"

"Too late."

"Meanie…" Dante stuck out his bottom lip and turned away, apparently intent on ignoring his brother for the time being.

"And a third question from pangpond, for me, this time," Vergil continued. "'Do you have any special feelings for Lady? Umm…in Teminegru, you look a bit…kind to her.'" He blinked. "I was kind? Well, I guess I could sort of sympathize with her, although I was too busy worrying about Dante, the sword, that creepy guy who I refuse to talk about and everything else. But she had father issues and I've had father issues…" He shrugged. "Anyway. Last question from pangpond. 'Have you ever had a crush on some girl?'"

He thought for a moment. "I've always disdained people in general, women especially. It stems from psychological issues which I'm not going to go into. I just don't like women all that much. I've been forced to get used to Trish and Lady, though. So, to answer the question directly, no."

He handed the papers back to his brother.

Dante broke out of his pout to take them. "Thanks for finally giving me my show back."

"You're welcome," Vergil answered, expression deadpan.

Dante snorted. "Don't be a bitch. Uh, from The Black Inferno Alchemist, for Vergil. Like he hasn't answered enough already today… Anyway. 'How do you strike such fear into Dante? I've got an annoying sister at home and I'd LOVE to know how you do it. Please, before I have to pull a kitchen knife on her, tell me.'"

Vergil smirked. "Because I _have_ pulled a kitchen knife on him. It only works, though, because of our heritage. We can stab each other to our heart's content and we'll survive. It leads to quite a healthy relationship; we don't have to hold anything in. we can let out all of our frustration and anger by fighting. That being said, I don't think it'll help you much. Sorry."

"Well, the fact that you've actually tried to kill me helps…" Dante sighed lightly.

"There is that."

Dante thought a moment before coming to a conclusion: "We're fucked up."

"Yes we are. Read the next question."

"Right. Last one from The Black Inferno Alchemist, for me. 'What's your favorite pizza topping? I know you got a downright obsession with it. So tell.'"

His expression turned serious. "Anything but olives."

"I like olives, though."

Dante sneered. "Yeah, but you like anchovies, too, so that doesn't count."

Vergil snorted. "Whatever. Well, that's all the time we have for today, so—"

"Oh, right." Dante broke out of his sudden seriousness and grinned into the camera. "We'll see you next time, then!"

* * *

_A/N (POC again): Damn. I wrote this entire chapter, except for the occasional short sentence. I _so_ deserve hugs. Any hot chicks out there? :3 I demand hugs, bitches! *evil laughter* Lovliest ladies to the back of the line, please. I'd like to have an extra special chat with you. *winkwink*_

_Hali: *brings the smackdown* Stop hitting on the reviewers, you idiotic bastard! Some of them are probably guys, anyway!_

_POC: That's good, too! Same applies to—_

_Hali:*more smackdown* Go drool over Repo again._

_POC: Yes'm…*whispers* Seriously, people. I want numbers._


End file.
